“Why do you run away from people so much?”

After the first stranger I had fallen in love with went I have had a few close calls with other people. I call them close calls because nothing really happened. I’m guessing the other person and myself just assumed that there could be something but there was not.

As the other person waited on the line I kept my eyes on the sky, waiting for fireworks that  never came. And that was usually when I disappeared, like a faint ghost of something that had never quite existed. I imagine the other person could only scratch their heads afterwards and wonder what went wrong. If I said I was sorry, I would only be lying. And me leaving all my ‘what could have been’s with people behind is nothing less than a favor to the other party.

I left because I didn’t trust myself to be with someone again, and mostly because whatever I had with the other person didn’t feel real. Maybe the other person was just as messed up as I am and we were both just playing make believe. If other people could do it, I couldn’t. I couldn’t stand messing around with something that isn’t real. I didn’t to find myself stuck in the same loop again. Working through someone and working with them… I find it too much work nowadays when I never had before. Falling and identifying what is real and what isn’t is too much for me to handle and I definitely don’t think I can go through all that again.

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